Depression, Ex, Husband, Me, Mental Health, Uncategorized

Just Keep Swimming…

This week I planned to do a whole series on blog posts about my relationship and (fairly) recent separation from my husband (The Ex). I thought it would be therapeutic, especially as this week would have been our 9 year wedding anniversary. You see, despite what I think many real-life people believe I am “over him”. I don’t want him back! However, what I am not over is alot of the feelings I’ve been left with about myself, a loss of trust in people and a general feeling of loneliness. Also, I am far from over this latest bout of depression….in fact I feel very little different from what I did a year ago, except now I am getting ever more weary of fighting.

I’ve had a few conversations lately with people (including my counsellor) about how well I am doing to “keep the plates spinning”, to keep working, to keep parenting my young daughter, to keep cooking and cleaning and paying the bills. But I don’t feel like I’m doing well. The opposite. I feel those plates are hardly spinning at all, in fact they are precariously balanced and if one of them drops the whole lot of them will come tumbling down. And I’m scared. Because I don’t know what I’ll do if that happens. I have been feeling very low, having very dark thoughts, crying at the drop of a hat, losing my patience and temper more than usual. I’ve turned into an insomniac and I feel both mentally and physically exhausted.

So, I’ve made the decision that this week I have to start being kinder to myself, because I can’t risk any of those plates dropping. That means I’ll be trying to eat better, trying to stick to my “self-care” bedtime, and generally doing the minimum possible in every way just to keep going. I’m also going to try not to beat myself up over the things I don’t manage to achieve. That means you may or may not see those blog posts this week or even this month. But all I can do at the moment is take advice from “Dory” from Disney Pixar’s Finding Nemo….

Swimming

(Picture courtesy of http://frenchieproject.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/just-keep-swimming.html)

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Ex, Husband, Me, Uncategorized

Loneliness

Lately I’ve been feeling very alone. When I have mentioned this to people one of the first things they ask is, “don’t you have any friends?” The answer is yes I do have friends, yet I still feel lonely.

I probably only have 4 or 5 close friends. I don’t know if this is a “normal” amount? I do know that I’d rather choose “quality” over “quantity” any day.

From those friendships, only 2 of them live close-by (within 10miles), the rest are spread across the country.

I’ve moved quite a bit in my life (due to my dad’s job, moving for university, moving for work etc), so whilst I only live 5 miles from where I was born, it’s not like I have a “core” group of friends from school or anything.

I’ve never really *needed* my friends to be on the phone every day, or pop round for coffee every week. In fact, my definition of a friend has always been that you can not see them for a month….a year even….and they’ll still be there if you need them. For example my old university room-mate is someone I would consider to be one of my closest friends. We may not see each other often, and our conversations are no-where near as regular as either of us would probably like (due to distance, family and work commitments). But whether I spoke to her 6 hours ago, 6 weeks ago or 6 months ago, once we start talking you can’t stop us. We can talk for hours.

However, in the last 6 months, things have been different. I split from my husband. He was my best friend! We’d been married 8.5 years, together for nearly 15 years. I’ve never been single in my entire adult life. (When my husband and I met I was still with my previous partner who I’d been with for 3years.)

My husband had been the person I spoke to when I was happy and sad, the person I trusted the most, the person I told my deepest, darkest secrets to, the person I had most in common with, the person I wanted to socialise with….everything! And yes, I had other friends, but perhaps until he left I didn’t *need* them so much?

Don’t get me wrong, my friends have been there for me since he left (most of them anyway), and I know they are making a much more conscious effort to keep in touch, especially as they know that I’m currently struggling with depression, so they invite me for coffee or to stay at their houses. I hear from them by phone and by text more often. And it’s not like I can’t do things alone…I go to the cinema, the theatre, choir events, eat alone. I’ve even been on holiday alone-I’m actually quite independent. And I know I have my twitter friends too….

But somehow….when the day is coming to an end and I’m in the house by myself….I’m lonely! And I don’t know how to stop it?!?

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Depression, Ex, Husband, Me, Mental Health, Mum, Twitter, Uncategorized

A little about me

When I read a blog one of the first things I do is go to the About Me section. I like to know something about the person who is writing. I’m not really sure why I do it, whether it’s because I want to know how much that person is like me or whether it’s nosiness about people’s lives. Maybe it’s so I understand the context that people are writing in. Or maybe I’m a lazy blog reader and don’t want to have to trawl through people’s blogs to find out who they are and what they write about.

Whatever the reason I thought I’d save you the bother and write a blog post to tell you a little about me.

I know what you are thinking…”You are writing under a pseudonym, so why tell us about you?” That’s probably a fair point, so I’ll start with explaining my anonymity. I recently split from my husband-my partner of 15 years. My whole life, including my social media, was intricately linked with his. We have lots of mutual friends and I started to feel uncomfortable about sharing my thoughts and feelings on my Twitter and Facebook accounts. I also struggle with mental health issues and found it difficult to share my experiences-even with people I care about. Yet at the same time I felt I needed to talk more than ever, to share more than ever. I had not only lost my husband but I’d lost my best friend, my confidante. I have friends but they were often busy leading their own lives, and to be brutally honest I felt lonely. What was I going to do? Then I had a brainwave. I was following an excellent mental health blogger who had decided to keep his identity a secret and it dawned on me that I could do the same on twitter. So I opened an anonymous twitter account. I knew that way I could say exactly what I wanted. I could share as much or as little information as I chose. It was a revelation ….but I’ll talk about that in another blog post. And now I’m here doing the same thing on my blog.

Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to reveal myself. But right now I’m happy to have some anonymity.

So what shall I tell you? I’ll start with a basics. I’m a 35 year old woman. I’m a mum to a 3 year old girl who I “co-parent” with my ex. I work full time. And I have depression.

I guess the rest will probably be told on future blog posts, but hopefully this little piece of insight will help you decide if you want to read more. I hope you do 🙂

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