This week I planned to do a whole series on blog posts about my relationship and (fairly) recent separation from my husband (The Ex). I thought it would be therapeutic, especially as this week would have been our 9 year wedding anniversary. You see, despite what I think many real-life people believe I am “over him”. I don’t want him back! However, what I am not over is alot of the feelings I’ve been left with about myself, a loss of trust in people and a general feeling of loneliness. Also, I am far from over this latest bout of depression….in fact I feel very little different from what I did a year ago, except now I am getting ever more weary of fighting.
I’ve had a few conversations lately with people (including my counsellor) about how well I am doing to “keep the plates spinning”, to keep working, to keep parenting my young daughter, to keep cooking and cleaning and paying the bills. But I don’t feel like I’m doing well. The opposite. I feel those plates are hardly spinning at all, in fact they are precariously balanced and if one of them drops the whole lot of them will come tumbling down. And I’m scared. Because I don’t know what I’ll do if that happens. I have been feeling very low, having very dark thoughts, crying at the drop of a hat, losing my patience and temper more than usual. I’ve turned into an insomniac and I feel both mentally and physically exhausted.
So, I’ve made the decision that this week I have to start being kinder to myself, because I can’t risk any of those plates dropping. That means I’ll be trying to eat better, trying to stick to my “self-care” bedtime, and generally doing the minimum possible in every way just to keep going. I’m also going to try not to beat myself up over the things I don’t manage to achieve. That means you may or may not see those blog posts this week or even this month. But all I can do at the moment is take advice from “Dory” from Disney Pixar’s Finding Nemo….
(Picture courtesy of http://frenchieproject.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/just-keep-swimming.html)