Depression, Mental Health, Uncategorized

The thing I can’t talk about….TW: sexual abuse

I’m not sure why I’m writing this post.

I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do.

I’m not sure if I’ll regret it and delete it.

You see, there are things that I will write in this post that very few people in the world know about. Because I can’t talk about it. I can’t deal with it.

But weirdly I have told 2 people in the last 2 weeks, and alluded to it while talking to my counsellor, and so maybe it’s something I do need to talk about? Because maybe it’s so intricately tied up with how I feel about myself that if I don’t talk about it it will just affect me forever.

Interestingly I told none of these people any details.

So, let’s just get it out there…..I was abused!

Ok. So I said it!

Let’s try a bit more…..I was sexually abused.

That was harder to say!

So I’m going to say the two hardest bits together.

I was sexually abused by my brother, and my brother is younger than me!

Ok. There you go!

So, now all those feelings of me being judged are there. And that’s why I don’t talk about it!

Because I feel ashamed of it!

I not only feel ashamed that for 8 years of my life my brother abused me, but also that he was younger than me, so I should have been able to stop it right? Because he was younger!

I told my parents!

Not at the time. I told them 7-8 years ago when it all came out during the counselling I had because of my last bout of depression.

They didn’t do anything! They got upset….briefly. They went to see a counsellor who apparently suggested perhaps I made it up due to some kind of sibling jealousy. WTAF!! At that point I was on anti-depressants and had been off work for 3 months. And my counsellor felt that it was probably one of the reasons I had got depressed. Why the hell would I make it up?! They also suggested that if perhaps it were true maybe it’s because he’d been abused by someone?

So, I have to assume that is why my parents didn’t do anything. Because y’know he *could* be a victim too. Well yes, he could I guess, in theory. But even if it were true (and I believe he denied it) it doesn’t excuse it! It doesn’t mean I will ever forgive him. It doesn’t mean it screwed me up any less. It doesn’t mean I don’t continue to have nightmares and flashbacks. It doesn’t mean that sleep and my sleep patterns will be any less screwed up as it is so intertwined with the abuse I suffered (he would often abuse me when I slept). It doesn’t mean I have a million and one trust issues, which I put down to hiding the abuse so long. It doesn’t mean I don’t get upset when they talk about him in front of me even when I’ve asked them not to. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to scream every time I see the mahoosive wedding photo they have of him and his wife right above the TV so I can see it every time I go to their house.

So, I’m going to talk about it! No, that’s not true. I’m just not going to hide it anymore!


5 thoughts on “The thing I can’t talk about….TW: sexual abuse

  1. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would never judge you, I don’t think it was your responsibility as a child to make it stop. What happened wasn’t your fault at all. I think sometimes if it’s coming to the surface a bit more then maybe it’s time to consider talking about it if you feel safe enough with your counsellor, but it’s your experience to share or not as you feel comfortable with. I think this post is so brave, even if you delete it – you have said it and that is so powerful. Sending you much love.

  2. I’m sorry your brother abused you and I’m sorry that your parents have reacted in the way that they have. I think that not hiding it anymore is very brave and a big step in you telling yourself that it was not your fault. It was not your fault x

  3. I’ve only just caught up with this and your bravery at coming forward truly is something to admire. I’ve had two long-term relationships in the past with women who’ve been abused by family members and while it still never gets any easier to listen to, at the same time letting it out even to just one close person who cares and understands can be a giant leap forward. Taking that leap of faith is hard, but it’s surprising how many genuinely nice people there are in the world.
    From what I know of you so far you’re kind and empathetic towards others who suffer in their own way. You’re a good person and I’m proud to know you and to have the privilege to offer some words. You are my friend x

  4. feministepoetique says:

    I can’t imagine how difficult this must have been for you. I am nineteen and have been sexually assaulted on multiple occasions between the age of 17-19, but it must have been so much worse for you with it being your brother and not being able to get away from the abusive situation.

    I completely understand why you felt you couldn’t stop it and felt you should have. It was similar with me as I kept being revictimised again and again.

    I am really sorry that your parents didn’t believe you and I know what it is like to have people not believe me as two of my friends both didn’t believe me and said that it didn’t count as assault.

    I also had some people victim blame me. Just know that it was never your fault, you were in no way to blame and you are strong because you managed to survive!

    Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story! You will recover and get over this.

  5. libertasbpd says:

    I have been trying to think of the right thing to say to this because you sat and told me about this in person and I saw for myself how difficult it was for you to talk about.

    SInce then we have spoken a lot about a numerous amount of things and I feel better able, now, to say something.

    Telling your story will be one of the hardest things you have to do, I know because I can’t talk about my story out loud. Writing about it is no less difficult, but somehow it’s just a tiny little bit easier. No one to see how it still effects you, no one to see the tears and no one to make you feel pitied or the number of other things that can happen when you share something like this.

    When the time is right you will be able to talk to your counsellor and share this ordeal with her. And when you have done that, you have your friends who will be there to support you through all the different emotions you go through.

    You are an incredibly strong, beautiful, loving woman with a huge amount of compassion and empathy for others. You are a fabulous mum and I believe one day you will find a way to deal with these horrors and moved forward. You inspire me to keep fighting another day and to keep telling my story. Do the same, and I promise you that no one will judge you or criticise you for what happened. It wasn’t your fault.

    Love you very much and believe you will win this battle. xx

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