I’m not sure why I’m writing this post.
I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do.
I’m not sure if I’ll regret it and delete it.
You see, there are things that I will write in this post that very few people in the world know about. Because I can’t talk about it. I can’t deal with it.
But weirdly I have told 2 people in the last 2 weeks, and alluded to it while talking to my counsellor, and so maybe it’s something I do need to talk about? Because maybe it’s so intricately tied up with how I feel about myself that if I don’t talk about it it will just affect me forever.
Interestingly I told none of these people any details.
So, let’s just get it out there…..I was abused!
Ok. So I said it!
Let’s try a bit more…..I was sexually abused.
That was harder to say!
So I’m going to say the two hardest bits together.
I was sexually abused by my brother, and my brother is younger than me!
Ok. There you go!
So, now all those feelings of me being judged are there. And that’s why I don’t talk about it!
Because I feel ashamed of it!
I not only feel ashamed that for 8 years of my life my brother abused me, but also that he was younger than me, so I should have been able to stop it right? Because he was younger!
I told my parents!
Not at the time. I told them 7-8 years ago when it all came out during the counselling I had because of my last bout of depression.
They didn’t do anything! They got upset….briefly. They went to see a counsellor who apparently suggested perhaps I made it up due to some kind of sibling jealousy. WTAF!! At that point I was on anti-depressants and had been off work for 3 months. And my counsellor felt that it was probably one of the reasons I had got depressed. Why the hell would I make it up?! They also suggested that if perhaps it were true maybe it’s because he’d been abused by someone?
So, I have to assume that is why my parents didn’t do anything. Because y’know he *could* be a victim too. Well yes, he could I guess, in theory. But even if it were true (and I believe he denied it) it doesn’t excuse it! It doesn’t mean I will ever forgive him. It doesn’t mean it screwed me up any less. It doesn’t mean I don’t continue to have nightmares and flashbacks. It doesn’t mean that sleep and my sleep patterns will be any less screwed up as it is so intertwined with the abuse I suffered (he would often abuse me when I slept). It doesn’t mean I have a million and one trust issues, which I put down to hiding the abuse so long. It doesn’t mean I don’t get upset when they talk about him in front of me even when I’ve asked them not to. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to scream every time I see the mahoosive wedding photo they have of him and his wife right above the TV so I can see it every time I go to their house.
So, I’m going to talk about it! No, that’s not true. I’m just not going to hide it anymore!